Monday, December 31, 2007


The past month has been torture. You may have been wondering where I have been (probably not) and you are probably not going to believe this but here it is..... I was kidnapped, or maybe mannapped is more appropriate.

I was leaving Starbucks with my caramel machiatto in hand when I was knocked unconscious and placed under heavy sedation for several days, they kept me doped up and discombobulated, I didn't know who I was or where I was. When I would awake and start to become alert they would sedate me again. This went on for about a week and half. So I figured out if I didn't make any noise they would not know to come and dope me up again. So I laid there silently and listened to my captors in the next room. From what I could discern they were speaking French and from their accents I could tell they were from North Africa. I can't believe my luck to be kidnapped by Muslim fundamentalist. So I fake like I'm out for another day and I find out that I'm in Morocco and they are holding me because they saw me on TV and thought I would be a valuable hostage.

Two days later they come get me and rough me up a little, and ask me to read a list of their demands, I make the tape but I tell them its pointless. They sent the tapes to FBI, CIA, and Homeland security, when they told me their plan, I laughed and asked did you not notice I'm black, they said they had noticed but thought it wouldn't make a difference, they explained that I am an American Hero and surely America would meet their demands in order to save a hero.

After a few days I discovered that my kidnappers had to be some of dumbest guys alive, it was like watching the Three Stooges operate, so I kinda hung out with them got to know them a little and I assured them that I wouldn't try to escape. All I could really think about was that this is going to greatest excuse to miss work ever. So we played Uno, Scrabble, Taboo, and Scruples (Akmar has some shady scruples), Akmar, Sebok, and Talik are some cool dudes, misguided and dumb but cool. So after 10 days they finally got a response from the CIA , who informed the gang that they were not amused by their joke, the video was returned with a Post-It that read "Black hostage---hilarious". They made a few more attempts but were met with pretty much the same response. Racism in America gotta love it. I told the guys if they attempt this again make sure it's a white woman, preferably blonde.

Then my captors discussed whether or not they were going to have to kill me anyway, and then I decided to stop playing. So I zapped them of almost all of their energy rendering them almost lifeless, found a speed boat on the coast, used the energy I got from their bodies and started the speed boat with them aboard, so they should be somewhere drifting in the middle of the Mediterranean.

I vacationed in Morocco a few more days then decided to call my Mom and get back to my life. I gotta invest in more personal security so that this doesn't happen again, any suggestions??

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