Monday, December 31, 2007

Special Alert

I'm probably not supposed to do this, but I don't care. I just received a special request from Mayor Bloomberg to be in New York as the ball drops tonight. I pressed him for details to see if he knew of a specific threat, but he said that they just want extra presence in the city tonight just in case. I asked Leroy and Terra if they wanted to join me but they will be keeping their eyes on DC.
I'm hoping all is peaceful, because starting a 9PM I'm going to be at the open bar celebration in Times Square and I really hate doing Superhero stuff when I'm partying, it's a real buzz kill. So Happy New Year and let you know what went down in NYC--good, bad , or otherwise.


The past month has been torture. You may have been wondering where I have been (probably not) and you are probably not going to believe this but here it is..... I was kidnapped, or maybe mannapped is more appropriate.

I was leaving Starbucks with my caramel machiatto in hand when I was knocked unconscious and placed under heavy sedation for several days, they kept me doped up and discombobulated, I didn't know who I was or where I was. When I would awake and start to become alert they would sedate me again. This went on for about a week and half. So I figured out if I didn't make any noise they would not know to come and dope me up again. So I laid there silently and listened to my captors in the next room. From what I could discern they were speaking French and from their accents I could tell they were from North Africa. I can't believe my luck to be kidnapped by Muslim fundamentalist. So I fake like I'm out for another day and I find out that I'm in Morocco and they are holding me because they saw me on TV and thought I would be a valuable hostage.

Two days later they come get me and rough me up a little, and ask me to read a list of their demands, I make the tape but I tell them its pointless. They sent the tapes to FBI, CIA, and Homeland security, when they told me their plan, I laughed and asked did you not notice I'm black, they said they had noticed but thought it wouldn't make a difference, they explained that I am an American Hero and surely America would meet their demands in order to save a hero.

After a few days I discovered that my kidnappers had to be some of dumbest guys alive, it was like watching the Three Stooges operate, so I kinda hung out with them got to know them a little and I assured them that I wouldn't try to escape. All I could really think about was that this is going to greatest excuse to miss work ever. So we played Uno, Scrabble, Taboo, and Scruples (Akmar has some shady scruples), Akmar, Sebok, and Talik are some cool dudes, misguided and dumb but cool. So after 10 days they finally got a response from the CIA , who informed the gang that they were not amused by their joke, the video was returned with a Post-It that read "Black hostage---hilarious". They made a few more attempts but were met with pretty much the same response. Racism in America gotta love it. I told the guys if they attempt this again make sure it's a white woman, preferably blonde.

Then my captors discussed whether or not they were going to have to kill me anyway, and then I decided to stop playing. So I zapped them of almost all of their energy rendering them almost lifeless, found a speed boat on the coast, used the energy I got from their bodies and started the speed boat with them aboard, so they should be somewhere drifting in the middle of the Mediterranean.

I vacationed in Morocco a few more days then decided to call my Mom and get back to my life. I gotta invest in more personal security so that this doesn't happen again, any suggestions??

Monday, December 10, 2007

What Now

So, today it's official my parents divorce is final. I'm officially a bastard, not that being a bastard has anything to do with my parents divorce, I just thought you should now as soon as possible. Anyway, my folks have been dueling for two and half years and I'm glad it's finally over because it was tough to pick sides. I mean I like them both for very different reasons. Mom instilled in me the value of giving back, being kind caring and compassionate for my fellow man. My Dad on the other hand taught me how to be a winner and how to get ahead. His personal motto is "Lead, Follow or get the HELL outta my way". Some call him callous others call him unscrupulous, but I call him Pop and everything I learned about business and how to be happy in life I pretty much got from him. See he taught me at very young age that people ain't shit, most people. Seriously I have tested his theory time and time again and people consistently show me they ain't shit. So with the knowledge that the vast majority of you ain't shit, I look out for #1 (ME, in case you hadn't figured it out) and then I proceed from there. You may say that's kinda cold, but really how can I care to help someone else if everything with me is not cool?

So, sometime my way thinking is diametrically opposed to my position as a Superhero. We are supposed to be selfless and self-sacrificing, like Bruce Willis in Armageddon when he blew up with the meteor that was going to destroy Earth..Nope No Way No how wouldn't been me... But I do what I can, with my awesome powers, and I do mean awesome, you;l hear more about them as you get to know me. But for now just know that I'm AWESOME!